Dark Day

 How can something I love so much be so HARD?  Before having children, I'd always heard people say that parenting was the most difficult, yet most rewarding thing in the world.  I never really believed them.  How hard could it be?  I've always loved kids, so I figured it would come easily to me.  That's true to a certain extent - the loving, the nurturing, the playfulness, and being silly are second nature.  I'm blown away at how hard the rest is.  Maybe I'm still in a bit of shock from adding little boys to our family so quickly, but I am completely exhausted.  Physically and emotionally ex-haust-ed.  I feel like I am falling apart.  My chronic back problems are flaring up because I've not been able to take time for myself since Ben came home.  I have exercises that help keep my troubled disc in check, but I just haven't been able to keep up with them.  So, I'm in pain almost all the time; picking up and carrying kids throughout the day.  Now I've got a toothache which is both painful and annoying.  I'm going to the dentist next week, but geez - come on!  My face has exploded in stress-induced acne which just pisses me off and makes me feel frumpy, ugly, and old.  And don't even get me started on the gray hair . . .

Ben is still getting adjusted to his new life and it's a struggle.  He's also been fighting an ear infection/respiratory ickiness, so we've had some long nights.  He doesn't nap well during the day and constantly wants to be held and WALKING.  He's one of those kids who gets upset when you sit down while holding him.  So frustrating!  It's also a huge struggle to help him get along with his brothers.  Having a two-and-a-half year old and two 15-month-olds is NOT easy.  Someone is ALWAYS crying.  I can barely walk from one room to another without someone screaming, or someone getting bitten, or someone screaming BECAUSE they've gotten bitten.   One of my greatest challenges is P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E.  I don't have enough.  I get frazzled and tired and cranky and lonely and scared and anxious and overwhelmed.  I get angry at myself for not always being the best mom I can be.  Sometimes I yell, and I really don't mean to.  Sometimes (like now) I cry for no reason, or maybe because I just need the emotional release.

I wish I was a better cook.  I stress out over what to make for meals - it has to be quick and something the kids will eat.  I sometimes feel guilty because I don't feel like I'm giving them enough nutritious, homemade food.  I never imagined (growing up with my mom the Super Cook) that I would become a convenience, out-of-a-box, frozen, prepared food kind of mom.  I want to do better and just don't have the time, energy, money, or know-how to do it.  I hate that.  I get resentful that I don't have any time to myself, even though I really do.  I have several times throughout the week that are set aside for me to get a break:  a good friend takes Noah and Eli for a few hours on Tuesdays, Nathan works from home on Wednesdays so he's around when I need back-up, and Thursday nights I get out of the house for church choir practice.  After spending a difficult day at home though, sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough.  Then there's the added guilt of feeling like I'm not being the best wife I can be, either.  Oy.

I am worn out.  Don't get me wrong - I love my kids, husband, and family with all my heart.  It's just really hard sometimes.  Parenting forces your biggest flaws and shortcomings to the forefront and it can be really difficult to deal with that in a healthy way that makes you a better, happier parent.  Hopefully getting some of these crazy thoughts and feelings down in a blog/journal will help. I don't want anyone reading this to get overly concerned - I promise I am OK.  I know I sound a little bleak in this post tonight, but I just needed to get some of my thoughts and feelings down in print to help figure it all out.

Looking forward to brighter, easier days to come . . . . . :-)